Sudden Silence

     Tina, Your deeply soulful and bravely naked blog inspired me.  Your story , the sacred offering of your lost child, validated my own pain. By you loving and honoring  the child you lost from your womb, you gave me permission to do the same.  My hope in entering this blog  is a sort of healing “Pay it forward” effect. Perhaps I will inspire yet another story to be shared as a statement to the power of openhearted sharing linking us all together.

http://alwayswinginit.blogspot.com/2011/11/all-saints-day.html?spref=fb

     On a morning in October 2005 I awoke with the acceptance of my pending divorce.  This acceptance opened me up and expanded my thoughts...... as acceptance does.  It had taken me three weeks to settle into the idea of a terrifying and exciting new future. Doors closing.  Doors opening.  I had suddenly realized, while bathing in that sweet early morning space between worlds, that I was pregnant. 
     While heading to the drugstore, for the opinion of science, with my three and half year old twins all buckled up and busy, we passed a colt...... nursing. That was the moment doubt reluctantly, but dutifully, wandered off.  I knew I was pregnant.  “This is impossible,” I reasoned with the universe, “I’m going to be all alone.” How will I physically meet the demanding needs of my child with cerebral Palsy, care for an infant, nurture Eden and put a roof over our head with food on our plates?  Everyone is going to lose.  Can I even carry infant gear, while maneuvering Lili’s walker and comforting her when she falls?  Will I have anything left for Eden?
       After three home tests I was convinced of new life stirring inside me.  Within hours, love had melted away fear and logic was replaced with faith.  I hoped he was the boy who had tapped on the shoulder of my soul when I was 24.  I had felt him hanging around but never breathed a word to anyone until two different intuitives volunteered the same information out of the blue.  My partner had refused to allow him to come through at that time so I felt it only fair to honor the fathers desire.  Within a year and a half I could no longer feel his nudges... he had left.  I couldn’t help but wonder if he was back.
      Feeling like a ridiculously emotional and unreasonable woman I was slightly terrified to share the news.  I was delightfully surprised by friends and family offering such loving support with hugs, encouragement and faith.  Everyone was happy, everyone except his father.  His father was more than unhappy, he actually accused me of conceiving on purpose to save our monumentally unsupportive marriage.  It was quite clear, when the audience of friends and strangers were absent, that he never wanted to be a father at all.  In our ten years of childless partnership I had perfected Fertility Awareness which afforded us much sexual freedom.  F.A. is not effective right after the birth of a child and the mother has to be getting at least 5 solid hours of sleep every night  before it can be  a safe method again... I had averaged 2- 3 hours for years.  Knowing I never wanted another child with a man not wanting to be a father, I began suggesting he get ‘snipped’.  A vasectomy is such a simple procedure compared to what a hysterectomy takes from a woman's body.  I left one informative brochure on his pillow and mentioned it one more time, but it was completely rejected.  So, I began exploring all the other modern methods.    Each new method I tried was systematically rejected by the same man who was begging me for constant sex.  This kind of situation was a familiar corner my husband constantly pushed me into on many levels of our lives.
      The reality of being pregnant, while going through a divorce, was cruelly highlighted by the baby’s father clinging to the notion that I had done this on purpose .  After the days upon days of accusations had finally settled, like an airborne virus that dies and falls to the ground ....... came the nagging.  This was intense pressuring, from my husband and his manipulated ‘allies in abuse’ to have an abortion.  This increasingly angry request came as a never ending, daily missile strike in front of our twin girls.  I was used to these missile strikes regarding whatever the issue of the day was and towards the end of my marriage I found I could not find a shelter far enough under ground to avoid the barrage.  After he gave up on the abortion he began reading my old  herbal pharmacology book.  I found it ear marked to all abortive herbs and he even read  pages out loud to me in an attempt to convince me to take some of these herbs. No meal, play date, phone call, project or game  the girls and I were in the middle of was safe from his one man mission to convince me to take these herbs.  He eventually moved into an unrelenting demand that I go to Seattle for a naturally induced miscarriage.  He even charmed a woman from the clinic into trying to convince me to have this procedure done and forced me onto the phone with her. 
    This campaign culminated one morning when he woke me up at 5 am telling me to get ready to go to Seattle because he had made me an appointment.  He was posturing in a threatening manner and raising his voice in front of our sleeping girls.  This was a typical and effective way to control me.  I meekly whispered “Okay,” in my own tired survival language  and followed up with the worn out request, “Please don’t wake the girls.”  His voice softened in triumph and he ordered me to get everything together while he took a shower.  My mind was a rush of adrenaline that directed me with a steadiness my shaking body didn’t feel.  After listening for the shower water I ran quietly back to my girls.  I prepared the car while my limbs turned to Jell-O and than ran to my children simultaneously bundling each sleepy form at lightening speed while sing-songing about our crazy early morning adventure.  I doubt  I took a breath of oxygen until turning out of our driveway towards a girlfriends welcoming home.
      I came home in the evening to infuriated yells, accusations and a strong swift kick to the stomach that I managed to block.... all in front of my girls.  I spent the night in tears and by the next day, the violent carping had stopped. In the wake of this sudden silence things were back to ‘normal.’  He brought more gifts of delicious fresh juices and homemade milks.  Eventually, I did suffer a miscarriage.  Yes, I did wonder.

    A woman’s soul seems to be ever expanding,  it plumps with pains and overflows with joys we cherish.  Go ahead and feel.  Feel everything. 

                            FEEL THE MAGIC....
 
   Below is a poem I wrote minutes after the miscarriage.


To Noble

You came in the dark of early morning
The space you filled was only open
after finally accepting my divorce
Your first whispers were of Nausea
denied chicken cravings
and a familiar softly growing - glowing power
with the unexplainable fullness of a busy womb
My soul reaches out to stroke you
Are you really there?

Fear strangles me
as the twins and I run to town
 for the opinion of science
Logic grabs a loud speaker to reason with my heart
“I can’t have another child right now!”
My breaks screech as I’m drawn to a nursing colt
lapping up momma’s joyous nourishment
Now, I know you are there
Three plastic white scientists are in positive agreement
so.... you and I seek time to be alone

“Everything will be different for you.”
Rants my river of reason within
“Your father isn’t interested.”
Your answer comes in a calm, “It’s okay.”
“I think you’ll need a crib rather than my bed.”
“I may wean you at a year old.”
“Naps will be expected not bargained for.”
“You’ll have leftover pink blankets!”
“It’s okay,” our merging answers, “It’s okay.”

Our love fly's up
into the center of the sun
It sears the fears
their only ashes, raining down
while we dance in the blue light
“You’re my baby boy aren’t you?”
Somehow, through the weak boundary of skin
my hand embraces you
Our walk begins - Mother and son
Through my belly button, I tickle your toes

You were 7 weeks of pure, solid and sure
True faith, is smiling into an unknown future
We shared our dream
Beloved ones cheered and
embraces took over the world

...... until

The blood began to drip
“Will you stay?”
Faith crashes into mans cement
“Will you stay?” is the silent scream in my heart
Pain drowns our dance in blood
It flows - It flows
Until the world becomes red and you are gone


For a moment....
the silence
threatens my existence


You were never just a thumbs worth of gray matter
I needed you
You brought strength, wisdom and empowerment
When I needed it most
Thank you,
 Mom

By,
  Angela Light